Douche Face

Question: Are there skunks in Berkeley?
Answer: Yes.

But how can you answer with such certainty?

Um, have you ever been awoken by a smell? Because this is kind of how my night went:
Blonde dream: Oh Rihanna [Ed. note: we can discuss why I was dreaming about Rihanna another time] your dress is so pret- sniff - So prett- sniff - Rihanna, why does your dress..? Doesn't it smell.. like...? Good God, what the FUCK IS THAT?!?

I walked into the hall and saw my dad. "Is that YOU?!" I immediately demanded.

"It's the DOGS!" he hurled back before stomping away.

I heard the computer start up and headed back to my room. Shutting the door did nothing. Lighting a candle did nothing. Trying to breathe only under the covers did nothing. Trying not to breathe... didn't last long at all. My nostrils were on fire. I tried slathering my hands in lotion and breathing through my fingers, but that only mixed the the stench with a little bit of coconut.

It was useless, so I walked out to the living room to see if there was a game plan.

"Not that it matters now," my dad said when he saw me, "but have you seen any leashes?"

"Leashes?"

"Leashes."

I cracked a smile, because it was far, far too late for leashes.

"Tomato juice is not at all advisable," he read off of the computer screen. "It's effectiveness is questionable and the juice will dye the dog's coat red. The best way to eliminate oder is to use a mixture of baking soda, hydrogen peroxide and liquid soap."

"I don't have any hydrogen peroxide," I offered helpfully.

"Use care... as mixture may be explosive?!"

Fan-fucking-tastic, I thought.

Did I mention that my family had only been in town for about four hours? They drove in to have Thanksgiving dinner at my aunt's house and then came to stay with me at my apartment. The four of them, dad, stepmom and two little sisters, rolled in with the dogs at about 11 pm. They were going to leave at 10 am the next morning, so really, how much trouble could they possibly get into? I had the beds made, they brought the dogs in, and we went to sleep. Until..

Until my dad decided to walk the dogs at 3 am. They're small and needy and have to be attended to basically constantly. But they're very cute, so we keep them. They made enough noise that night to wake him up. He figured they probably had to go outside and took them. His mistake was believing this would be an easy task.

He set them down to do their business and they took off.

Now, when your dog gets sprayed by a skunk, it isn't just the dog's fur that smells. Instead, it smells like 50 skunks have died in your apartment.

"Take care to keep hydrogen peroxide mixture away from the animal's eyes," my dad continued to read from the pet care website. "If your dog has been sprayed directly in the face, use an over-the-counter douche to cleanse the face."

I'm sorry, did he just say douche?

"If you do not act quickly, your dog may smell for quite some time. Wear old clothes and rubber gloves. You may want to consider shaving the dog."

I realized at that point I didn't know where the dogs were. They're so fucking jittery and yippy that they're usually easy to keep track off. This time though, they were silent. Their humiliation was complete.

I heard my stepmom hypothesize they would die.

"They won't die," my dad returned impatiently as he put on his coat and prepared to walk out the door.

"If you do not act quickly, your dogs may smell for quite some time," I thought as I walked back to my room.

And as terrible as the smell was (and would be for quite some time) there are few things more hilarious than imagining your 6'2", 220 lb, scruffy father trying to buy an OTC douche at 3 am on Thanksgiving night.

Face douching seemed so appropriate. It perfectly summarized how I felt about those damn dogs- douche faces.